KannaOphelia (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kanna_ophelia) wrote2023-06-22 01:34 pm
kanna_ophelia) wrote2023-06-22 01:34 pm
Good Omens TV/book fusion: Sticks in the Mud
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/47850982.
- Rating: General Audiences
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV)
Relationship: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Characters: Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens), Original Male Character(s)
Additional Tags:
Day At The Beach, Chubby Aziraphale (Good Omens), Besotted Crowley (Good Omens), Bickering, POV Outsider, Oblivious Aziraphale and Crowley (Good Omens), They love each other, Extraordinary Amounts of Cake challenge, crowley crowleys himself, cw: English Seaside Holiday, Crowley.exe Has Stopped Working (Good Omens), Canon - Good Omens (Book & TV Combination)
Language: English
Series: Part 23 of 31 First Kisses: Good Omens
Collections DIWS Extraordinary Amounts of Cake
Stats:
Published: 2023-06-13
Words: 1,781
Chapters: 1/1
Sticks in the Mud
by KannaOphelia
Summary
See the end of the work for more notes
Jade sat disconsolately on the beach, trying to imagine the sand was hot enough that he could feel it through the towel, like at home. He glared at the faraway twinkle of blue sea past the endless miles of deadly sinking mud. A working holiday in the UK starting at a famous sea resort had sounded fun, but in his wildest nightmares he had never imagined Weston-Super-Mare.
Weston-Super-Mud. Who had ever heard of a beach where you couldn’t reach the sea without drowning in mud? Or a summer where he would be wearing a jumper? Even the hostel and his workplace had a depressing atmosphere, and he hadn’t found a single friend, let alone a summer boy. He might as well go to the Great Pier and turn all his spending money into coins for those weird “gambling is wholesome fun for kids” games.
He could hear some voices behind him, one so determinedly cheerful that it almost seemed like the sun was out, the rest as dark and grouchy as the clouds.
“If you could just point us to the bathing machines,” said the sunshine voice, and Jade turned to look up at a face that matched the voice, almost glowing from goodwill.
“Sorry. No idea.”
“Ah. An Australian.” Jade was sure there was no such thing as frosted sunshine, but if there was, it described the icing over of that golden voice. “Never mind.”
The man beside him was dressed head-to-toe in black as if it was the middle of winter, although that wouldn’t make much difference considering the wind, but was wearing sunglasses in an effort to pretend there was sunshine to block out. Jade almost hadn’t noticed him given the radiance of his friend, as if he was a shadow, but he was actually kind of hot in a skinny gone-to-seed rockstar kind of way.
The DILF pushed his hand through artfully messy hair. “Why would there be a bathing machine? There hasn’t been a bathing machine here since the Great War. I thought you were scared of them, anyway.”
The plump golden one put his shoulders back. He, too, was dressed like it was mid-winter, and his shoes were even worse for the sand than his friend’s snakeskin boots. “I’m not scared of anything. Be not afraid, as I like to—”
“Took a miracle to get you out of it. Talking of scared, you scared the donkeys out of their wits. Springing you in a striped swimming costume on them, hardly fair—”
“You can get changed in a public loo,” Jade volunteered, feeling a bit sorry for the anti-Australian one. He had nothing against chubby blokes. “Charge you for it, though, ever heard of charging to go to the toilet? Not the attendant’s bloody fault, or I would have told him I’d piss on his feet to save the money.”
“What a very original solution to the problem,” Mr. Sunshine said, and Jade wasn’t sure whether he was referring to getting changed in a public toilet or pissing on someone’s feet to save 20p. “Let’s retire, then, Crowley, and come back suitably clad.”
Jade went back to his brooding. They would freeze to death trying to sunbathe today, but Poms were crazy like that, half a glimmer of sunshine and they started burning bright red and fainting from heat exhaustion. Not his problem. He had better things to think about, like the chances of getting a bartending job in London and far away from this muddy hell-hole. Or…
Or the fact that Mr. Sunglasses, who couldn’t possibly have had time to get to the loos and back, was nevertheless sashaying down the beach in the tiniest budgie-smuggler Jade’d seen on anyone but a Prime Minister.
He wasn’t bad at all, really. A bit pale against the black bathers and a bit thin, but toned, and Jade had always liked a bit of body hair, and it had been months since he’d had someone in what amounted to a well-filled G-string posing pouch peacocking for his attention, he knew what that hip-swing meant, and…
Mr. Sunglasses’s jaw dropped as if he’d seen the sexiest angel ever to drop from heaven, and he wasn’t looking at Jade.
Jade glanced over his shoulder. Mr. Sunshine was primly stepping over the cold sand, wearing a pair of long, loose taupe board shorts and a clingy long-sleeved rashie that did nothing to disguise the swell of his belly or chest.
“Angel,” Sunglasses said in a strangled tone. Ah. Jade took pity on him and threw him his spare towel, trying not to too obviously die laughing. Sunglasses gave him a curt nod that Jade could recognise as deep gratitude, and wrapped the towel around his thin waist.
“The gentleman in Selfridge’s assured me this was the very latest fashion,” Mr. Sunshine said, looking a little put out. “Guaranteed to protect me from skin cancer.”
“It has a zip,” Sunglasses said helplessly.
“Very convenient, you are always telling me. I might try some of those clip-on braces you favour some day.”
“But you—if it— what if it came unzipped? Are you even wearing anything under it?” Sunglasses demanded, sounding outraged. “You could—anyone could—I could see—-nrrghaaugh!”
“You’re being most unreasonable,” Sunshine said crossly, as Jade gave up and buried his head in his backpack, shaking with laughter. He wasn’t sure, but Sunshine might actually have given a petulant stamp of his bare foot. “You’re practically naked!”
Jade couldn’t see, and he couldn’t really hear, but he could sense Sunshine flouncing off, and Sunglasses running after him with an “Angel, wait!”
It was a while before Jade was calm enough to sit up. The odd couple had apparently resolved their argument. Sunshine was talking animatedly, hands waving, and Sunglasses was slouching along next to him in what Jade should have recognised from the first was a desperately adoring way. Those grumpy types always did think grumbling and posing was a decent substitute for actually hitting on someone.
Well, Jade thought, they were welcome to the towel if it helped Sunglasses get the courage to make his move. He hoped they sorted it all out.
He shoved the rest of his stuff into his backpack and decided to head back to get changed at the hostel and see if he could pick up some early hours for his shift. The two old blokes didn’t need someone perving on their budding romance.
He gave them one last glance, and froze. They were still heading out towards the glimmer of ocean, apparently intending to go for a swim…
Oh fuck.
Jade was running before his brain kicked in, and even when it did, it kept running. He knew better. He’d never thought he was the kind to jump into a flooding creek to save someone and drown himself. Basics of first aid, you couldn’t help anyone if you put yourself in danger. But his instincts overrode his common sense, and they didn’t seem to hear his shouting, those idiots, and he couldn’t live with himself if…
His feet began to sink into the mud, and it was taking more and more effort to pull them out, and shitshitshit this wasn’t the way he’d meant to die, on a freezing beach in the mud watching two old queens drown in front of him, and he’d never told Noah how he felt about him, they’d had that stupid fight and he’d run off to the UK hoping he was going to meet someone else and forget about him, as if he could ever forget Noah, and…
He bent over, pulling at his ankles, trying to remember everything he’d heard about quicksand, tears blinding him.
There was a gentle, warm touch on his shoulder, like sunshine had weight, and he looked up into kind, multi-coloured eyes.
“There. You’re alright now, dear. Chin up.”
Jade befuddledly realised he was warm all over, and the mud was firm beneath his feet, and Sunshine was gently guiding him back towards the sand.
He shot a look over his shoulder, and Sunglasses gave him a wry, what can you do? kind of shrug.
“Here we are, then. Best head back and give your young man a call.”
“Angel. Do you even know what time it is in Australia?” Sunglasses sighed, exasperated.
“I should check my watch if I were you,” his friend said.
Sunglasses stared at a ridiculously ostentatious watch on his wrist, which Jade had obviously been too distracted by the budgie smugglers to notice, although it was hard to imagine he’d noticed something like that.
“Midnight in Sydney.” There was a tiny, smug twitch at the corner of Sunglasses’s mouth, as if he’d always been dying for someone to ask him that.
“Well, they’re young, I’m sure he’d be awake. No time like the present, I always say.”
“And 9 pm in Tokyo, and 8 am in Buenos Aires, and…”
“Yes, yes, very clever, these modern devices. What do you say to something to eat?”
“I could go for some nice greasy fish and chips.” Sunglasses tossed the towel back to Jade. “Take care, you. No going out into the mud unless you take someone who can walk on water with you.”
“You are not seriously suggesting I eat from a chip shop,” Sunshine said, as the two turned towards the road. His tone suggested his friend had suggested he make a nice meal of pickled slug stew, with a garnish of festering socks.
“S’good! Besides you were the one who, when we could go anywhere in the world, said he fancied a nice British seaside holiday.”
“You seemed quite keen too, if I recalled correctly, although I have no idea why.”
“Wait!” cried Jade.
They turned back, with a shared fake surprise that suggested they had forgotten he existed. He was embarrassed for a moment, but, unsure as he was of what had just happened, he felt he owed them something.
He dashed up to Sunshine, and whispered urgently into his ear, “Your friend is crazy about you.” Then he whipped around and whispered in Sunglasses’s ear, “I’d just kiss him if I was you. No time like the present.”
He dodged around them, grinning his face off, and took the stairs up to the road. Fuck going to work early. He was going to yell “I love you!” so loud down the phone he would wake all Noah's housemates.
He took one look back before he crossed the road, and saw a plump golden figure wrapped in a dark embrace, their faces close together.
Jade chucked them a victory sign, and headed back to the hostel. Weston wasn’t such a bad old town after all.
End Notes
Summary
Working at the British Seaside in summertime is not as much fun as it sounds.Notes
Until a distractingly odd couple of holidayers comes along...
My recipe card for the challenge:Setting: Beach
Structure: Outsider Point of View
Genre: Fluff
Tropes: Oblivious Characters, Crowley Crowley's Himself, Bickerflirting
See the end of the work for more notes
Sticks in the Mud
Jade sat disconsolately on the beach, trying to imagine the sand was hot enough that he could feel it through the towel, like at home. He glared at the faraway twinkle of blue sea past the endless miles of deadly sinking mud. A working holiday in the UK starting at a famous sea resort had sounded fun, but in his wildest nightmares he had never imagined Weston-Super-Mare.
Weston-Super-Mud. Who had ever heard of a beach where you couldn’t reach the sea without drowning in mud? Or a summer where he would be wearing a jumper? Even the hostel and his workplace had a depressing atmosphere, and he hadn’t found a single friend, let alone a summer boy. He might as well go to the Great Pier and turn all his spending money into coins for those weird “gambling is wholesome fun for kids” games.
He could hear some voices behind him, one so determinedly cheerful that it almost seemed like the sun was out, the rest as dark and grouchy as the clouds.
“If you could just point us to the bathing machines,” said the sunshine voice, and Jade turned to look up at a face that matched the voice, almost glowing from goodwill.
“Sorry. No idea.”
“Ah. An Australian.” Jade was sure there was no such thing as frosted sunshine, but if there was, it described the icing over of that golden voice. “Never mind.”
The man beside him was dressed head-to-toe in black as if it was the middle of winter, although that wouldn’t make much difference considering the wind, but was wearing sunglasses in an effort to pretend there was sunshine to block out. Jade almost hadn’t noticed him given the radiance of his friend, as if he was a shadow, but he was actually kind of hot in a skinny gone-to-seed rockstar kind of way.
The DILF pushed his hand through artfully messy hair. “Why would there be a bathing machine? There hasn’t been a bathing machine here since the Great War. I thought you were scared of them, anyway.”
The plump golden one put his shoulders back. He, too, was dressed like it was mid-winter, and his shoes were even worse for the sand than his friend’s snakeskin boots. “I’m not scared of anything. Be not afraid, as I like to—”
“Took a miracle to get you out of it. Talking of scared, you scared the donkeys out of their wits. Springing you in a striped swimming costume on them, hardly fair—”
“You can get changed in a public loo,” Jade volunteered, feeling a bit sorry for the anti-Australian one. He had nothing against chubby blokes. “Charge you for it, though, ever heard of charging to go to the toilet? Not the attendant’s bloody fault, or I would have told him I’d piss on his feet to save the money.”
“What a very original solution to the problem,” Mr. Sunshine said, and Jade wasn’t sure whether he was referring to getting changed in a public toilet or pissing on someone’s feet to save 20p. “Let’s retire, then, Crowley, and come back suitably clad.”
Jade went back to his brooding. They would freeze to death trying to sunbathe today, but Poms were crazy like that, half a glimmer of sunshine and they started burning bright red and fainting from heat exhaustion. Not his problem. He had better things to think about, like the chances of getting a bartending job in London and far away from this muddy hell-hole. Or…
Or the fact that Mr. Sunglasses, who couldn’t possibly have had time to get to the loos and back, was nevertheless sashaying down the beach in the tiniest budgie-smuggler Jade’d seen on anyone but a Prime Minister.
He wasn’t bad at all, really. A bit pale against the black bathers and a bit thin, but toned, and Jade had always liked a bit of body hair, and it had been months since he’d had someone in what amounted to a well-filled G-string posing pouch peacocking for his attention, he knew what that hip-swing meant, and…
Mr. Sunglasses’s jaw dropped as if he’d seen the sexiest angel ever to drop from heaven, and he wasn’t looking at Jade.
Jade glanced over his shoulder. Mr. Sunshine was primly stepping over the cold sand, wearing a pair of long, loose taupe board shorts and a clingy long-sleeved rashie that did nothing to disguise the swell of his belly or chest.
“Angel,” Sunglasses said in a strangled tone. Ah. Jade took pity on him and threw him his spare towel, trying not to too obviously die laughing. Sunglasses gave him a curt nod that Jade could recognise as deep gratitude, and wrapped the towel around his thin waist.
“The gentleman in Selfridge’s assured me this was the very latest fashion,” Mr. Sunshine said, looking a little put out. “Guaranteed to protect me from skin cancer.”
“It has a zip,” Sunglasses said helplessly.
“Very convenient, you are always telling me. I might try some of those clip-on braces you favour some day.”
“But you—if it— what if it came unzipped? Are you even wearing anything under it?” Sunglasses demanded, sounding outraged. “You could—anyone could—I could see—-nrrghaaugh!”
“You’re being most unreasonable,” Sunshine said crossly, as Jade gave up and buried his head in his backpack, shaking with laughter. He wasn’t sure, but Sunshine might actually have given a petulant stamp of his bare foot. “You’re practically naked!”
Jade couldn’t see, and he couldn’t really hear, but he could sense Sunshine flouncing off, and Sunglasses running after him with an “Angel, wait!”
It was a while before Jade was calm enough to sit up. The odd couple had apparently resolved their argument. Sunshine was talking animatedly, hands waving, and Sunglasses was slouching along next to him in what Jade should have recognised from the first was a desperately adoring way. Those grumpy types always did think grumbling and posing was a decent substitute for actually hitting on someone.
Well, Jade thought, they were welcome to the towel if it helped Sunglasses get the courage to make his move. He hoped they sorted it all out.
He shoved the rest of his stuff into his backpack and decided to head back to get changed at the hostel and see if he could pick up some early hours for his shift. The two old blokes didn’t need someone perving on their budding romance.
He gave them one last glance, and froze. They were still heading out towards the glimmer of ocean, apparently intending to go for a swim…
Oh fuck.
Jade was running before his brain kicked in, and even when it did, it kept running. He knew better. He’d never thought he was the kind to jump into a flooding creek to save someone and drown himself. Basics of first aid, you couldn’t help anyone if you put yourself in danger. But his instincts overrode his common sense, and they didn’t seem to hear his shouting, those idiots, and he couldn’t live with himself if…
His feet began to sink into the mud, and it was taking more and more effort to pull them out, and shitshitshit this wasn’t the way he’d meant to die, on a freezing beach in the mud watching two old queens drown in front of him, and he’d never told Noah how he felt about him, they’d had that stupid fight and he’d run off to the UK hoping he was going to meet someone else and forget about him, as if he could ever forget Noah, and…
He bent over, pulling at his ankles, trying to remember everything he’d heard about quicksand, tears blinding him.
There was a gentle, warm touch on his shoulder, like sunshine had weight, and he looked up into kind, multi-coloured eyes.
“There. You’re alright now, dear. Chin up.”
Jade befuddledly realised he was warm all over, and the mud was firm beneath his feet, and Sunshine was gently guiding him back towards the sand.
He shot a look over his shoulder, and Sunglasses gave him a wry, what can you do? kind of shrug.
“Here we are, then. Best head back and give your young man a call.”
“Angel. Do you even know what time it is in Australia?” Sunglasses sighed, exasperated.
“I should check my watch if I were you,” his friend said.
Sunglasses stared at a ridiculously ostentatious watch on his wrist, which Jade had obviously been too distracted by the budgie smugglers to notice, although it was hard to imagine he’d noticed something like that.
“Midnight in Sydney.” There was a tiny, smug twitch at the corner of Sunglasses’s mouth, as if he’d always been dying for someone to ask him that.
“Well, they’re young, I’m sure he’d be awake. No time like the present, I always say.”
“And 9 pm in Tokyo, and 8 am in Buenos Aires, and…”
“Yes, yes, very clever, these modern devices. What do you say to something to eat?”
“I could go for some nice greasy fish and chips.” Sunglasses tossed the towel back to Jade. “Take care, you. No going out into the mud unless you take someone who can walk on water with you.”
“You are not seriously suggesting I eat from a chip shop,” Sunshine said, as the two turned towards the road. His tone suggested his friend had suggested he make a nice meal of pickled slug stew, with a garnish of festering socks.
“S’good! Besides you were the one who, when we could go anywhere in the world, said he fancied a nice British seaside holiday.”
“You seemed quite keen too, if I recalled correctly, although I have no idea why.”
“Wait!” cried Jade.
They turned back, with a shared fake surprise that suggested they had forgotten he existed. He was embarrassed for a moment, but, unsure as he was of what had just happened, he felt he owed them something.
He dashed up to Sunshine, and whispered urgently into his ear, “Your friend is crazy about you.” Then he whipped around and whispered in Sunglasses’s ear, “I’d just kiss him if I was you. No time like the present.”
He dodged around them, grinning his face off, and took the stairs up to the road. Fuck going to work early. He was going to yell “I love you!” so loud down the phone he would wake all Noah's housemates.
He took one look back before he crossed the road, and saw a plump golden figure wrapped in a dark embrace, their faces close together.
Jade chucked them a victory sign, and headed back to the hostel. Weston wasn’t such a bad old town after all.
End Notes
Crowley Crowley-ing himself is obviously his plan to wow Aziraphale in sexy bathers without properly thinking about the fact that Aziraphale would be wearing bathers too.
I apologise to any readers from Weston-Super-Mare, where I had a wedding that (apart from being legally bound to the love of my life, romana03) was almost laughably disastrous. Sorry for not including your rabbit warrens of dinky little shops or excellent fish and chips or that the Great Pier is heaven for a little Australian boy on holiday or your other good points. Jade, like me on my wedding day, was not in the mood to see them.
Comments and kudos received with love.
Inspired by this.